The Wedding of the Royals I Really Want To See

The picture of flower girl Grace above speaks for all of us (okay, just me) who are over this royal wedding before it even started.

I'm the only person I know who is not awed and excited about the royal wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton, I feel like. I mean what is there to be impressed about? Royals are people just like us who get drunk out of our skulls and who wear a Nazi uniform for kicks. (Ok, maybe not the last one). Think about it, royals are nothing more than people who make welfare look glamorous. That's all I'm going to say about that!

The royal wedding I am looking forward to is the wedding between two royal assholes: Hayden Kho and Vicki Belo. Rumors about a wedding between Hayden and Vicki started when famed composer David Foster's would-be trophy wife fiancee let it out that Hayden and Vicki are the next to wed.

I want these two to get married - bad. This way their grossness and pervertedness will be confined between just the two of them.

However, I have doubts about Hayden's self-confessed "stronger sense of character" after the trials and tribulations he had gone through (blech!). Hayden sooner or later will step out on Vicki, and spread his vileness to willing girls out there. Even Vicki's millions will not be able to deter Hayden, I'm afraid.

Again, however, I have faith in Vicki's cougar powers to hold on to her prey, I mean to forgive, and Hayden's powers to dickmatize Vicki all over again.

I'm ahead of you all. I'm already imaging the wedding in my head. I'm imagining the people on the guest list and I am overwhelmed by the volume of silicone and plastic in that event. There's Gretchen Barreto, Jinkie Pacquiao, Regine Velasquez, Nancy Castiglione, and The Azkals?!

The Azkals Football team?! What the?! Vicki, the cougar that she is, is expanding the number of her potential preys. She can have the Younghusbands but not goalie Neil Etheridge. Neil Etheridge is just 21 years old, for crying out loud, and most importantly 6'6" all over. Akin lamang siya, k thanks! :P

And then there's Ruffa Gutierrez, Belo's image model for the body contouring technology BodyTite. I wonder if Ruffa Gutirrez still has an epidermis left on her face. With the amount of intense chemical peeling that her mug has undergone to achieve that marble-like appearance, I really wonder.

Ruffa even asked Dr Vicki for botox for her crow's feet. I'm not surprised at Ruffa's addiction to cosmetic enhancements commitment to beauty, but I am taken aback by Vicki Belo's refusal to botox the hell out of Ruffa's face because Vicki believes Ruffa doesn't need it - yet.

Well, Vicki. Way to backtrack. You could have saved Charice Pempengco the local and international backlash from her much-publicized botox treatment a few months ago, if you had restrained your need for self-promotion.

One of Vicki's attempts at self-promotion is this show on cable called Beauty 101. One time I was flipping channels and I came across this one episode on Beauty 101 where Vicki Belo was the guinea pig for some new high-tech facial treatment.

Holy Mother! Vicki Belo sans make-up is a sight to behold. And I don't mean that in a positive way.

Vicki, makeup is your bestfriend. Don't go out without it.

If Hayden can wake up every morning and the first thing he sees is Vicki's face sans makeup and then pass the whole day still viewing himself in a positive light, then he has a much stronger intestinal, not to mention, testicular fortitude, than I give him credit for.

And if Hayden Kho can keep the dry heave down between the sheets with Vicki sans makeup, then it must be true love. I don't believe I just typed that!